August 2019

This moment in August took me back to the old days. The days when I couldn’t wait to crack open a beer, pour a glass of wine, share a shot with a friend or stranger. The days when I would really live like tomorrow doesn’t exist.

Those days had to come to an end when I found my rock bottom. 6 years of battling my love hate relationship with alcohol and I had to walk away. Much like your typical abusive relationship it was cunning, baffling and powerful. I tried to control my intake- but I could not. I tried to justify my actions- but they never were. I tried to not repeat mistakes- then wake up the next day ashamed when I was apologizing for them.

As I was at The Club House before it was opened to take care of feeding my baby (Hey, a breastfeeding mother has to do what she needs to do these first 6 months!) I hopped on the bar, grabbed the first bottle I could and said “send this to Cory!” knowing it would be a good laugh! It just so happened that it was Jäger which was the fuel to many nights and the liquid of many inside joke punch lines. T-SHIRT TIME!

Memories, and lack there of, were created while drinking with friends, family and strangers that I cherish but the bad times had to end.

Two years and nine months alcohol free and yet I still make amazing memories with the same people. I still show up to the party. I still dance like crazy. I still stay up until 4am with everybody. I still sleep outside. I still sit at the bar and order food and an NA beer. I still support my favorite bars. AND I STILL STAND ON THEM!! I still love my life and I live it so much louder than I ever have and I am safe in doing so.

Two years and nine months.

I have been tempted. I have been asked. I have struggled with giving in. Motherhood has been the biggest struggle in the last two years to not give in- LOTS OF NEW STRESS! Every day I work The Program to get me through it. Taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time, making me feel more powerful and in control than I ever have in my whole life.

Don’t be afraid to show up to the party sober- chances are I’m already there.

Cheers ✨



#onedayatatime #oneminuteatatime

Perfect Vision

This picture was taken in January 2010 in was in Mexico City for 6 weeks. This was a part of my two year journey in Mexico as I volunteered at a missions training base in Mazatlan, Sinaloa called Youth With A Mission and traveled to many parts of Mexico during that time. It’s the part of my life that when someone would ask me what I was doing, I would always respond with “Living the Dream.”

“Hey, what are you doing today?”

Me: Living the Dream

“What are your plans next week?”

Me: Living the Dream.

“What are you going to do while you’re in Mexico City for 6 weeks?”

Me: Live the Dream.

“How was your trip home? What did you do,”

Me: Just lived the dream.

You get the idea.

I WAS living the dream.

Beautiful, beach city with rich culture, amazing people and wonderful community that I enjoyed doing life with. After two years I had a vision of creating my own clothing line and using the proceeds to help those in need. This vision was so branded in me that I started to plan my trip back to the States to pursue my vision. My new dream.

I returned to my home state to work and start college with a fashion degree. The vision was to have a T-Shirt line that risked everything, pushed limits and surpassed what was already hanging on the racks while being a helping hand to the local community of my home town. If part of the proceeds can go to those in need, I would have a small hand in the big picture of seeing healing, growth and life to those who have lost hope.

I packed my bags.

I left my dream life.

I said good bye to countless hours pouring into a city in Mexico. Building homes, reaching young people with love and hope, running programs for teens and kids, arranging hundreds of guest to run weekly ministries during Carnival (Mexican Mardi Gras), learning to surf, speak the native language and I left.

I moved home.

Here I am.

Ten years later.

Wondering what happened.

Life gets to you.

Things change.

Vision change.

People change.

I started college in 2011 at the age of 25. I was determined and focused…. until I had to take Chem 101 and Pre Algebra!? Ugh! I made it through the first year on sleepless nights, lots of alcohol and not taking this college thing serious. I would focus more when I got to the courses I wanted to be in but these courses were not them.

My alcohol consumption sky rocketed. There wasn’t an after party that I wasn’t at. Closing down the bar and staying up for the sunshine was a normal. I still made it to class. I still made it to my other job.. for about a year. Then my life became unmanageable. I started drinking earlier in the day and harder at night. I started drinking and driving. I sometimes stopped at the bar, have a few shots, then go to my evening classes. I got accepted to travel to China (a dream of mine since 18) for a semester with the study abroad program but canceled my trip when I was charged for my DUI. Soon after that I dropped out of college.

I lost my vision.

I forgot my dream.

I moved AGAIN.

Over a few more years I secured my drinking habits to weekends and proper occasions. I balanced that pretty well and got back on my feet and started moving forward again.

I graduated college, moved to a big city and landed a corporate job.

I finally did it. I got my life back together and now I can finally go back to feeling like the 23 year old in the picture. Unstoppable.

Sure enough, heavy drinking returned suddenly and so greatly that I became lost in the flow of it and got to my lowest of low. I knew something had to change before I lost my life.

Another failed vision…

Another decision..

I knew I had to I quit drinking.

So I did.

I found The Program.

I found a different community. One where myself and everyone around me took my sobriety very seriously.

I found an amazing man.

I started a business and have worked other jobs I’ve always found exciting and creative.

I surfed more.

I traveled more.

I had a baby. 😱

I have done so many amazing things in the last 10 years and I don’t live in any regret. All the good things. All the terrible things, have lead me here.

The question came up when my baby boy was two months old. When do I go back to work? Where? What about child care? Can I work from home? Doing what?

Having all this time to think about what I want to do has brought up old dreams. I have the time and resources now to do what I’ve always wanted. I have the determination, passion and the vision.

It took me a while. It took a lot of change, heartache AND accomplishments. But I’m still here.

Living and breathing.

I am here. With my inner strength, my clear mind and much more life to live.

I see what’s ahead. I see what I can have. I’m going for it.

With perfect vision.