Sobriety Vs. Motherhood

Two weeks ago I packed a bag for myself and my boy to stay with family in North Carolina while leaving Kevin behind to remodel our kitchen. That’s the way to do it, right?! Leave to see the beach and let him do the work 🙌😂

Since we’ve been quarantined more than a month before leaving this isn’t much different- except we FaceTime Kevin instead of having him face to face.

I was hesitant agreeing to this but I’m very thankful we’re doing it. Kevin has completely gutted our first floor of the house and will get the majority of it done before Oliver and I come home! He has been working night and day on top of his full time job to do this for us.

I can’t wait to see it 🤩

I was also drowning in the gray skies of Ohio, trapped in quarantine, longing for windy seas.

Right now Kevin and I are both in the zone. He’s doing what he’s passionate about and I’m (attempting) power mom with a baby bringing in his 9th TOOTH! Taking him to the beach fills my soul as he fills his stomach with sand 🤷‍♀️

I’ve consistently relaxed more the last two weeks than I have the last 11 months. I have put unexpected amounts of pressure, expectations and stressed on myself to be Wonder Woman in motherhood when I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.

Fake it till you make it, right?!

Well, that has led me to a point where I almost gave up my sobriety.. Several months back the urge was so strong and I was white knuckling through every day wanting just a little relief- never giving in because I knew it would be the end of me.

Without Kevin I probably would have. He is my strongest pillar. Being away from him wasn’t what was making me nervous, it was the expectation of being super mom without a relief of his helping hands.

But, fuck it.

Oliver is bathed, fed and in bed by 7pm every night. #winning

He’s been eating sand, shitting in the tub and playing with cat food. I can try to avoid the things that might upset his stomach (he hasn’t ate cat food yet 🙌 just sand) or stress out about why he’s so fussy (just found out his 9th tooth was coming in 😳 there ya go) or I can relax, play in the sand with him, enjoy the extra cuddles from his teething pain and know that all Oliver needs is a mom who is happy and not weighed down in trying to have everything perfect.

That weight I’ve carried for a long time. That pressure drove me to alcohol. The need to be perfect and accepted almost ended my life.

I’ve worked really hard to get where I am today and I’m not giving that up. Knowing that others have experienced the same thing allows me to breathe, reach out to my sponsor, and take a break from the expectation that was never necessary.

Next month Little Love will be turning 1 year old. Looking back at the most precious year of my unexpected motherhood journey I never thought it would be more challenging than the first year of quitting alcohol. It was not what Kevin and I expected, but it was everything we’ve hoped for.

It’s true that the trials in your life prepare you for something in the future. I can’t imagine getting through the last year while drinking.. I probably wouldn’t have made it.

I can’t wait to get home next week and see the progress of the house, give Kevin a big kiss and attempt to hold on to this level of motherhood zen I have actually obtained. I have worked extra hard this year to get here and just like my sobriety success, I don’t want to give it up.

Goodnight, Warriors ✨

Super Power

I saw a post that said “You are the only one of you is this world, and that’s your super power.” Or something like that.
And it got me thinking. How often do we look at others, see their life, their jobs, their recovery, and wish we had part of their life.
I have done it many times. Especially, with my recovery. Why can I just quit? Why can’t I have it under control? Why can’t I drink like them, just having one or two?
Eventually I got there. After about 5 tries of quitting and going back, a dui, car wrecks, damaged relationships, empty promises, missed appointments, bruises, scars and broken hearts.
Eventually.
I. Got. There.
The road is not easy.
Now I look at others and I reach out a helping hand. Now I look at others and don’t want the job they have. Now I look at others and celebrate their success without feeling like I have to prove myself. Now I look at others as a blessing in my life and I don’t compare myself to them.
This is my super power.
Being 💯 who I was created to be.
Living loudly.
Loving fearlessly.
Being fully alive.