Mornings of Fog

I wake with a swollen head

Just like the morning fog

There’s nothing.

There is nothing..

The baby inside is kicking me

The baby outside sleeps

Some of these days I wish I could lay below the fog and sleep.

No one comes to look for me

Maybe I could rest

As night turns to day and the fog fades away

I remember I’m doing my best

Get up!

Have you found what you’re searching for? If not, what is holding you back? Are you your worst enemy? Of so, why?

There are many obstacles at our feet waiting to trip us an laugh as we fall on our asses. If you don’t wake up with the mindset of conquering your day, then you have no plan to succeed and you won’t get ahead.

Wake 👏 Up👏

Life doesn’t come easy to anyone👏

Everyone had problems. What you do with your problem and how you respond on a daily basis puts a direction on your life.

It is up only you to decide. It is no ones fault. It is no ones problem. It is yours👏

You are the creator your future✨

No handouts.

No free passes.

Just hard work and determination to get off your ass and make your dreams come true.

This life is YOURS and you are the only one who can control how it turns out.

Don’t hold back any longer.

Go get the life you dream.

Sobriety Vs. Motherhood

Two weeks ago I packed a bag for myself and my boy to stay with family in North Carolina while leaving Kevin behind to remodel our kitchen. That’s the way to do it, right?! Leave to see the beach and let him do the work 🙌😂

Since we’ve been quarantined more than a month before leaving this isn’t much different- except we FaceTime Kevin instead of having him face to face.

I was hesitant agreeing to this but I’m very thankful we’re doing it. Kevin has completely gutted our first floor of the house and will get the majority of it done before Oliver and I come home! He has been working night and day on top of his full time job to do this for us.

I can’t wait to see it 🤩

I was also drowning in the gray skies of Ohio, trapped in quarantine, longing for windy seas.

Right now Kevin and I are both in the zone. He’s doing what he’s passionate about and I’m (attempting) power mom with a baby bringing in his 9th TOOTH! Taking him to the beach fills my soul as he fills his stomach with sand 🤷‍♀️

I’ve consistently relaxed more the last two weeks than I have the last 11 months. I have put unexpected amounts of pressure, expectations and stressed on myself to be Wonder Woman in motherhood when I have no idea what the hell I’m doing.

Fake it till you make it, right?!

Well, that has led me to a point where I almost gave up my sobriety.. Several months back the urge was so strong and I was white knuckling through every day wanting just a little relief- never giving in because I knew it would be the end of me.

Without Kevin I probably would have. He is my strongest pillar. Being away from him wasn’t what was making me nervous, it was the expectation of being super mom without a relief of his helping hands.

But, fuck it.

Oliver is bathed, fed and in bed by 7pm every night. #winning

He’s been eating sand, shitting in the tub and playing with cat food. I can try to avoid the things that might upset his stomach (he hasn’t ate cat food yet 🙌 just sand) or stress out about why he’s so fussy (just found out his 9th tooth was coming in 😳 there ya go) or I can relax, play in the sand with him, enjoy the extra cuddles from his teething pain and know that all Oliver needs is a mom who is happy and not weighed down in trying to have everything perfect.

That weight I’ve carried for a long time. That pressure drove me to alcohol. The need to be perfect and accepted almost ended my life.

I’ve worked really hard to get where I am today and I’m not giving that up. Knowing that others have experienced the same thing allows me to breathe, reach out to my sponsor, and take a break from the expectation that was never necessary.

Next month Little Love will be turning 1 year old. Looking back at the most precious year of my unexpected motherhood journey I never thought it would be more challenging than the first year of quitting alcohol. It was not what Kevin and I expected, but it was everything we’ve hoped for.

It’s true that the trials in your life prepare you for something in the future. I can’t imagine getting through the last year while drinking.. I probably wouldn’t have made it.

I can’t wait to get home next week and see the progress of the house, give Kevin a big kiss and attempt to hold on to this level of motherhood zen I have actually obtained. I have worked extra hard this year to get here and just like my sobriety success, I don’t want to give it up.

Goodnight, Warriors ✨

Super Power

I saw a post that said “You are the only one of you is this world, and that’s your super power.” Or something like that.
And it got me thinking. How often do we look at others, see their life, their jobs, their recovery, and wish we had part of their life.
I have done it many times. Especially, with my recovery. Why can I just quit? Why can’t I have it under control? Why can’t I drink like them, just having one or two?
Eventually I got there. After about 5 tries of quitting and going back, a dui, car wrecks, damaged relationships, empty promises, missed appointments, bruises, scars and broken hearts.
Eventually.
I. Got. There.
The road is not easy.
Now I look at others and I reach out a helping hand. Now I look at others and don’t want the job they have. Now I look at others and celebrate their success without feeling like I have to prove myself. Now I look at others as a blessing in my life and I don’t compare myself to them.
This is my super power.
Being 💯 who I was created to be.
Living loudly.
Loving fearlessly.
Being fully alive.

3 Years of Sobriety

3 years of sobriety!

I remember waking up on this day in 2017 and decided for the 20somethingth time that I needed to stop drinking alcohol. But that day it was different. That day I knew I wanted more. More for myself and more out of life. That day I knew I wanted to dream again. That day I gave myself a fighting chance for the life I wish I had. I knew I could do it and that day I decided I WAS READY to do it.

I had lost dreams during my alcohol days but almost all of them have returned back to me through my 3 years of sobriety. One of those dreams is what I started college for. Fashion design in hopes to one day have my own clothing design career to share my creativity with the world.

But I dropped out if school after I lost my job and got a DUI. Still thinking I had my drinking under control, I found two jobs to cover my court cost and decided I couldn’t go to college any longer. Filled with regret, I didn’t know what to do. I knew what I wanted out if life but I was not in a position to know how to get there. Broke. Alcohol blurred thinking. Terrible daily choices, someone gave me a helping hand. I get back to school, to get my life in order, to remember what clear thinking was I moved to North Carolina and got back into school (and graduated 🎓) but I still battled with alcohol for 4 more years.

Then that day in 2017 I decided I was done. I was done living as someone else. I wanted to be myself again.

Here I am.

3 years alcohol free.

I took my desire for fashion design and turned it into a T-shirt company. Alcohol took a major dream of mine and today I reclaimed it. My first order of tees!

With every purchase a percentage will go to the rehab facility that helped me get sober. This is a big deal for me, everyone! Not only did I claim three years of sobriety, but I reclaimed one of my dreams I’ve fought so hard for 🙌

It wasn’t easy. It’s NOT easy. But every day I would like to drink I just remember where I was, and who I was.

If you’re struggling with substance abuse and you don’t know where to turn, please reach out to me or another loving person in your life and find help. Right now with the coronavirus there are many people struggling and I am with you in this fight.

Good night, Warriors ✨

Ten Ways To Help You Cope With Quarantine

We are struggling.

The shock of the news.  The change in our daily lives. The lost of our jobs, employees, schools, seasonal sports and weekend activities has rocked tge entire planet.

This is major.

The only thing that keeps replaying in my head is that there are billions, BILLIONS, of people affected today by COVID-19 and not one country, nation, tribe, neighborhood or home is living their “normal daily routine”.  Planes are down.  Buses have stopped.  Well traveled parts of the world are not receiving fresh footprints and those in the tourism sector are struggling to make ends meet considering we’re encouraged to stay home.  People are spending their money on stocking up the pantry and not living lavishly on concerts, sport games, tourism, home remodel, family vacation, investments, getting ahead, starting something new or are simply just holding on to the cash they have in hand for dear life.

The change seemed to happen over night.  We knew it was coming.  We saw parts of Asia, then Europe, then California purchasing toilet paper then shutting cities down and we just hoped it wouldn’t get this bad.  We just held on tight.  Watching. Waiting. Praying.

Then it hit.

Within two days schools were sent home.

March 16th, New York closed gyms in the morning and my gym in Ohio closed by nightfall.  Along with bars, restaurant, movie theaters, parks..

First were out of toilet paper.  Then chicken.  Now bread.

Were told to stay home.

Everything changed so quickly, so suddenly, we didn’t know how to prepare.  Or if we were able to prepare.  We just knew we had to do something.  But what?

Figure out what to fill our free time with, now that every after school activity is over.  Figure out how to teach 4th grade math.  Figure out how to have a baby sitter and still work three jobs.  Figure out how to pay next months mortgage while keeping food in the pantry because stocking up is not an option.  Figure out who to see without getting infected.  Figure out how to keep afloat through all of this when the list of insecurities is so lengthy that were just going with the current as it changes without realizing if were still in the boat, or in the waters without our life vest.

Luckily for you- I am a stay at home mom that had to learn many different coping skills while transiting from being a independent, 30something, hard working boss babe to being 100% depended on mother and house wife.  As one of my other SAHM friends just said, “Quarantine in our life.” (Thanks, D!) So I would like to share with you some insight, tools and, hopefully, offer some relief  of the unnecessary expectations that have been thrown upon us all.

1. Take one thing at a time. This is a rule I live by.  If you were to walk into an overly cluttered room and were told to organized it, the best approach would be to sort through one item at a time and move it to a location with like items.  Right now, I know school papers are thrown everywhere, kids are missing their friends, parents are working extra, or joblessly drowning in bills, and it’s very overwhelming.  Take one task at hand at a time.  Make a list of priorities in the morning and try to make it around 6 items (a number I was wisely given 12 years ago, trust me, its sufficient in a room with 100 items- you’ll get to them all) and mark them off one by one as they are accomplished.  You won’t feel overwhelmed with such a low number (6) and you’ll be able to focus on those things as you’re doing them while gaining some security back and feeling like you have somethings under control.  Try it for 3 days as a trial run and if it doesn’t work, tell me I suck at giving advice and I’ll try to help you find another game plan.

2. Become active daily. This is important! If you have kids, play something with them.  If you don’t have a backyard or large living room, see who can jump in place longer than the other. If you have space, USE IT! Everyone who doesn’t have space is jealous of you so use it for the sake of having it! Play outside games; soccer, race, basketball, whatever you’d like.  If you are missing the gym, google search at home indoor (outdoor) workouts.  You can specifically search “At home workout with no weights and little space” and see what shows up. You can also see my personal Facebook and Instagram for workouts I have very unprofessionally recorded with a time lapse setting in my “middle of remodeling” home and backyard.  If you are able to do so in your location take your family on a walk, jog or bike ride.  Twenty minutes of exercise daily will change the way you feel mentally and physically while being quarantine.

3. Ditch the sweat pants. Yes, they are cozy, comforting and the chances of seeing someone are slim but when you wake up in the morning and get dressed for the day, you feel ready for the day.  This will be different to those still working AND I pass no judgment if you ARE wearing sweats and pajamas all day, every day.  It may be your chance to take a break from your wardrobe, for all I know. So this may not apply to everyone but if you feel you are in a funk, and you’re down about this “temporary normal”, put on some jeans, or a dress, fix your hair and apply makeup (if makeup is your thing), snap a selfie, #hashtag #ditchthesweatpantstip and upload it to Facebook or Instagram so I can give you a shout out then facetime one of your loved ones that you desperately want to hug and say ‘hello’ to them.  Nothing is worse than having bed head and looking like hell and your bff from Germany calls and wonders why you look like your in a mental institute.

4. Do something for yourself daily.  A girl I know asked on social media if it was okay to take a break from her family when they’re all locked in the house together.. OF COURSE, CHICA! It is necessary to still do something you would like to do, for yourself, by yourself, everyday.  Right now, we’re shoulder to shoulder with those that mean the world to us, BUT NO ONE should feel guilty for wanting to lock themselves in a different room for an hour to escape a little bit.  Read a book, put a puzzle together, call a friend, watch your favorite TV show that no one else likes to watch with you, take a nap, do whatever you need to do to not go insane.  If you remain sane, the rest of your family might not drive you as nut because they will follow your lead.  Make a designated time to do that every day to maintain a healthy balance of your own time along with the time you need for kids school work, meals, time with spouse and the 30 projects you hope to do during this season.

5. Take a break.  As similar as this sounds to the previous “Do something for yourself daily” this is very different.  There has been much unwanted pressure on us that we don’t even realize.  When you feel overwhelmed, take a break.  Sit outside and clear your head. Walk away from the closet that you have organized four times and sit.  Ask your family to give you some space and rest.  The guideline my grandmother gave me a few years ago was to HALT. Halt (take a break) when ever you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.  This has saved my life.  I used it many times in my recovery from alcohol and tens times more as a new mother.  I have even interrupted my husband and said, “You know, I’m really tired right now and I’m not following along with what you’re saying, so I think we need to talk about this later after I have something to eat and maybe take a nap.”                                                    LONELINESS: Do not feel guilty if you feel lonely right now while you’re staying home with your immediate family.  Most people are grieving because we can’t see our BFF, siblings, grandparents, coworkers, niece and nephews, parents, some people can’t see their kids! It’s okay to feel lonely, just know you HAVE to do something about it.  My favorite thing is Facetime and it has helped me while I have traveled around the world to stay connected with my friends and family and still see their shining smiles.

6. Try something new.  Have you gotten bored yet?  Now is a great time to dig into that project you’ve always wanted to start or try the hobby that has always caught your attention.  Usually, we have these thoughts in our heads: I wish I had the time to learn how to make macaroons. I wish I knew how to speak Portuguese. I’ve been wanting to make the baby quilt for 18 years now but I’ll get to it one day.  GO FOR IT!  Come up with a plan and go for it.  Whether you cook a new meal as a family or make time alone to start a long waiting hobby just go for it.  The fulfillment gained will allow the pain of this quarantine to lighten a little and it will offer a feeling of accomplishment to settle while we’re feeling very restricted during this time.  Get creative and try to not get bored.  The season we’re in does not have to be a time that’s wasted.  It can be a season of personal growth, family development and creative passions coming to life while we’re waiting for the world to start turning again.

7. Hygiene! It’s very easy to lose healthy hygiene while staying at home. Not going out with friends, not going to work, not seeing the store clerk or going to business meetings allows humans to become laxed when it comes to personal hygiene.  It doesn’t help that beauty salons and barber shops are unavailable at this time either! Who wants to wash, dry and curl their hair when roots are growing out, color is fading, eyebrows are turning into angry catapillers and clean cut lines are getting fuzzy?! However, it is important to maintain healthy hygiene during this time.  Shower every day (even if you sat on the couch binging your favorite TV show), brush your teeth in the morning and at night, clean your ears, wash your bedding, and of course, WASH YOUR HANDS!

8. Reach out. If you are struggling in any way getting through this pandemic, make sure you are reaching out to someone about it.  There are many emotional insecurities rising up and the best thing you can do about it is to maintain healthy mental health by making a phone call.  For those who have counselors and therapist, make a phone call meeting or Zoom chat set up during this time and try to make appointments as consistent as if you were still going into their office. If you just need to talk to a friend, make a call.  If you’re finding your drinking alcohol to cope and it’s getting out of hand, share that with a spouse, roommate or loved one THEN limit the amount of alcohol in your house for a period of time (hide it or give it away, don’t just drink it all to get rid of it! That’s the opposite of my advice!).  If you are on the edge of a relapse with drugs or alcohol, call your sponsor and make sure you are taking proper steps to prevent relapse.  EVERYONE, it is important to reach out if you are struggling AND don’t forget to reach out to your loved ones that you know are struggling.

Relapse Website:    https://www.rehabhotline.com/about-rehab/relapse-prevention/

Relapse Hotline: (888) 594-8501

9. This too, shall pass.  My sponsor through the Alcohol Anonymous program always tells me to remember ‘This too, shall pass’. When there seems to be no ending in sight, when we don’t know what the government will throw at us next, when our kids and spouse are driving us crazy and all we want is an hour of peace and quiet, remind yourself of this saying.  The pandemic, the quarantine, the uncertainty, the endless hours and days spent worrying, it will pass.  We will be able to return to a life where we’re always too busy to do the things we want to do, constantly going from one sport game to the next, spending the weekend and holidays with family and friends and getting back to the hustle and bustle of work.  This is not a forever situation.  This is a temporary season we’re in and it will pass.

10. Give yourself grace.  As a new mother, and a new stay at home mom, I had to learn that I needed to give myself grace in moments when I felt the obligation to make sure everything was perfect and right.  No one had placed this expectation on me and I have no explanation on why it was self induced.  It was just there.  So when you feel overwhelmed, conflicted and scared and you feel like every day you’re failing at being a great parent, good math teacher, creative grocery shopper and the best baker your family has ever experience, just take a step back and remember that life is a complete, unexpected disaster right now.  No one is doing ANYTHING perfect.  Things are a MESS.  Allow yourself to give YOURSELF grace to carry on.  You don’t need to be perfect, you need to be happy, eat well and sleep a sufficiently.  Daily routines will change and not seem so overwhelming and unmanageable when you give yourself the grace you need to get through it.

We’re all in this together.  Undoubtedly, we’re all in this together.  When we get through this our community that depends on one another so desperately needs to have a healthy population so we can come together and rebuild.

Hold fast. Be brave. Take care of yourself.  Have compassion. Share wisdom. Be kind. Give encouragement. We need each other in our isolation more now than ever.  You don’t need to hold on for dear life, you just need to change with the tide. The storm will settle, the seas will calm and the chaos will pass. Trust in it.

Warrior

Today I made a List Of Gratitude.

A list of things I’m grateful for so when things are gloomy, I’m on edge or just plainly pissed off I can reference to it to remind myself that the negative feeling I have in the moment is just a negative moment. It does not last. It can last longer than I want it to BUT I choose how to respond. By referencing back to my List Of Gratitude I can see many positive things in my life that are concrete.

This boy right here.

My 8 month old mighty warrior.

He is on the top of the list.

Many times in the last 8 months I have had spouts of anger and depression (hello, postpartum hormones and other insecurities) and if it weren’t for The Program- I would be back to drinking again. Which means I wouldn’t be able to take care of my boy, I would probably cancel plans or show up drunk and I would probably lose everything I have gained since April 2017.

Negative moments are temporary.

Positive moments are sustainable.

I made a list to remind me every day how awesome this life is. Things will be added to it as they come or as I’m reminded and the little things that are not a big deal will start to slowly vanish as I work through my personal inventory.

Dishes can be done tomorrow.

Miscommunication can always be cleared.

Laundry will never go away.

It’s out if my hands.

What’s in my hands is this baby, the love of my life and how I choose to view our present and future.

I have the power to choose gratefulness. I have the power to choose what is logical over what is emotion.

I am powerful.

Like this mighty warrior.

Breakthrough

What does it mean to you to have a breakthrough in your life? Overcoming a personal obstacle, finding a new line of work, hitting your fitness goals and many other things can calculate to having a breakthrough. Usually, when someone says they “had a break through” it is a giant feat. It’s something they have been working towards for quite some time. It is answers to inward questions. It is clarity to things unknown. It is finally opening the door to what is holding you back. It is an achievement of something that has been worked on for a very, very long time.

Sometimes those breakthroughs are everyday.

Sometimes they’re getting out if bed and going to the gym when you don’t want to.

Sometimes it’s having the tough conversation you’ve been putting off.

Sometimes it’s creating the resume when you need to find a healthier job.

Sometimes it’s believing in yourself and going after that promotion.

Sometimes it’s hidden.

It’s eating when you want to starve.

It’s putting the razor down when the pain is too much to bear.

It’s not buying the pack of cigarettes.

It’s walking away from abuse and neglect.

It’s not having the third cupcake.

Or forth.

Or fifth.

It’s not sleeping the day away.

It’s not drowning of alcohol and chaos.

It’s not being reckless.

This is The WRECKless Community. Where we support, love and encourage everyone who has breakthrough in their daily struggles and overcome their obstacles by being healthier and fighting alongside one another. Where you can find that you’re not alone. Where you can find resources to help you find light at the end.

Everyday we fight.

Everyday we have breakthrough.

#thewreckless #wrecklesswarrior #wrecklessrecovery #wreckless #odaat #battle #fighthard #fighttogether #breakthrough #sober #soberlife #soberliving #soberaf

Be Victorious

Ever wake up in the morning wishing your life was different? Thinking things like, “If this didn’t happen my life would be better”, or “Too bad I’m stuck in this situation”, and “One day I’ll catch a break but now everything just sucks.”

Feeling like the victim of your circumstances?

Thinking it will never end?

Waiting for someone else to follow through with their word?

Or worse. You’re living your dream life and everything is great then something happens and now…. It. Just. Sucks.

My life has changed at a drop of a hat many times through the years. Instant jobs taken away, uprooted and thrown in rehab (by MY choice), companies changing jobs that didn’t involve me, taken advantage of by MANY through financial help I’ve given, yet I’m not using any of those reasons as a crutch for people to feel bad for me about the things that suddenly change.

Because guess what..

THATS LIFE!

Things change.

People can’t control everything that happens to them and if we just sit around and play the victim then WE won’t change either. It will cripple us until we’re useless. When I left North Carolina to take care of my drinking habit I didn’t have a job and still had to figure out how to pay my bills. You know what I did?? I STARTED A HOUSE CLEANING BUSINESS!! It worked perfectly around my treatment. I made an opportunity for MYSELF because no one was going to hand me a Get Out Of Jail Free card. Once I got fired from my job because I was day drinking and didn’t show up to work- you know what I did?? I crocheted beanie hats and sold them to pay rent!! 🧶 (ps thats a lot of hats, btw) Lately I’ve taken some photos to take care of small bills. I’ve sold old school book. I FOUND OTHER JOBS. Whether it was self made or an actual corporate job, I figured things out when I didn’t have a notice that my finances were going to get cut.

If we realize we’re capable of doing more than what our circumstances tell us we’re capable of, we would lace our shoes up and get ready to go down whatever path was next. But instead, I see people every single day telling me “you don’t know what it’s like in my shoes” and they give in to their defeat and become the victim.

They’re right.

I don’t know what it’s like.

Playing the victim almost costed my life and since then I became a victor over my circumstances. I don’t know what it’s like to give up anymore.

I still complain, I still rant about shit that has happened, I still freak out when there is a change because I’M STILL HUMAN.

BUT

I am not a victim.

Every situation is an opportunity to see what you’re made of because you are NOT your circumstances.

YOU ARE VICTORIOUS

Change your shoes. Get new laces. Put on sandals, biking shoes, cleats, hiking boots, stilettos, WHATEVER you need to keep walking.

Now is the time to try something new. What do you have to lose? ✨

👟👞👢👡👠🥿🥾⛸🎿

#inmyshoes #victorious #createyourownway #alwaysreadyforchange #empoweryourself #opportunity

August 2019

This moment in August took me back to the old days. The days when I couldn’t wait to crack open a beer, pour a glass of wine, share a shot with a friend or stranger. The days when I would really live like tomorrow doesn’t exist.

Those days had to come to an end when I found my rock bottom. 6 years of battling my love hate relationship with alcohol and I had to walk away. Much like your typical abusive relationship it was cunning, baffling and powerful. I tried to control my intake- but I could not. I tried to justify my actions- but they never were. I tried to not repeat mistakes- then wake up the next day ashamed when I was apologizing for them.

As I was at The Club House before it was opened to take care of feeding my baby (Hey, a breastfeeding mother has to do what she needs to do these first 6 months!) I hopped on the bar, grabbed the first bottle I could and said “send this to Cory!” knowing it would be a good laugh! It just so happened that it was Jäger which was the fuel to many nights and the liquid of many inside joke punch lines. T-SHIRT TIME!

Memories, and lack there of, were created while drinking with friends, family and strangers that I cherish but the bad times had to end.

Two years and nine months alcohol free and yet I still make amazing memories with the same people. I still show up to the party. I still dance like crazy. I still stay up until 4am with everybody. I still sleep outside. I still sit at the bar and order food and an NA beer. I still support my favorite bars. AND I STILL STAND ON THEM!! I still love my life and I live it so much louder than I ever have and I am safe in doing so.

Two years and nine months.

I have been tempted. I have been asked. I have struggled with giving in. Motherhood has been the biggest struggle in the last two years to not give in- LOTS OF NEW STRESS! Every day I work The Program to get me through it. Taking it one day at a time. One hour at a time. One minute at a time, making me feel more powerful and in control than I ever have in my whole life.

Don’t be afraid to show up to the party sober- chances are I’m already there.

Cheers ✨

#liveloud

#partysober

#onedayatatime #oneminuteatatime